This blog series charts my adventures and the challenges of evolving the initial dating into a longer-term relationship, converting initial positive attraction into something more substantial. It is a personal diary, from which I draw broader conclusions that will be of interest to all. The focus is firstly in respect of skills in the bedroom, which are at times too personal to want to broadcast in a public way on YouTube, but it also addresses those all-important skills of building a relationship, my stated goal ever since I began this crazy rite of passage.
Sunday 24 November 2019
So, as I sit here writing I find myself at the mercy of contradictory emotions. First, it seems that I have made incredible strides in my daytime approach and dating skills, ever since I attended my first bootcamp with Daygame.com, in early 2014. There it was I first rubbed shoulders with Tom Torero and Jon Matrix, two quite different daygamers. I have now enjoyed mini-relationships of a romantic nature with a number of girls, some really attractive – if not downright “hot” – and certainly all of them a lot younger than me, principally in their twenties and thirties. It is, frankly, more of an adventure than any fifty year old man has a right to expect.
And yet I also feel such a long way from the destination, which has always been to find a genuinely attractive girlfriend and bring her into my life on a long-term basis. This is not as easy as may at first appear. This is partly because my standards have risen and there are not that many girls who are a good fit, in terms of the compatibility of our personalities and natures. There is also the challenges of my situation in life and in the area of personal development. I am not as young as I was. As the years roll by I feel anxious about this. It seems that I have never had a fulfilling long-term relationship in my life, nothing that has lasted longer than a few months at most. It is interesting to me that the stigma of it stings, as much as the entirely natural yearning for romantic companionship and partnership.
My November musings were sparked off recently by a message I received from a dude who follows my channel and has read my books. He was full of praise and described me as an inspiration. He described how he felt and that with each new girl that rejected him in the street he felt a growing weight, a burden of anger, perhaps, and frustration. He felt unable, paralysed even, to get a genuinely attractive girl into his life and he was asking for my help. Needless to say, at 29 I hardly considered him to be a lost case! In fact, it had the effect of making me gaze at my own naval rather more than worrying about his issues. I only wish I was in his position, with problems of this kind at such a tender age!
Reflecting on my own options at the moment, they do seem rosy. I am dating a lovely (genuinely attractive) 35 year old girl, “Coco”, who I approached in a bar a few months ago. We get on. I am also sporadically dating a 30 year old Hottie, who I first spotted in Cafe Nero and a couple of weeks ago we were on my sofa, rolling about. My approach skills are still strong, perhaps stronger in fact than ever and I now find myself quite often able to approach girls as I am just going about my ordinary day-to-day. The skills have almost become naturalised. Indeed, I am texting a girl whom I might in just this way during last week. The week before I also went for dinner the same evening with a girl I met earlier that Sunday morning.
Lastly, there is a fourth “long-range” prospect on the radar, who I have known for a year. “Bulldog girl” as I like to call her (because she brought her bulldog along to one of the dates!) did not evolve into a longer-term prospect and I was unable to physicalise the dates beyond simple touching and hand-holding. This may have been, at least in part, because she has a kid and the partner is still very much around and has a share in their jointly-owned house. As far as I know he may even still live there. But the reason she is still on the radar at all is because she has recently bought a new law office and rented me space, which has proved one of the best business decisions I ever made. But it also may have complicated any possibility of a longer-term future and I am not sure how good a decision has been on a personal level. She is definitely a “One”: a genuinely attractive girl with whom I really get on and want a long-term relationship with.
In spite of what it might look like, to a reasonable man at least, with such genuine prospects, I find myself in considerable emotional pain which I cannot quite figure out. This, I guess, may be the sign of what guys in the pick-up industry like to call, “Inner Game Issues”. It seems such a paradox to me that I should have so much success at dating, and yet not be able to convert the dating into anything longer-term. Last year I went on about 8 dates with a really cute girl I met on a train and we had great sex and got on really well, but then it broke down when she started to “act up”, playing the bitch during a night out at a casino. Whilst she was probably not a long-term relationship prospect I did not properly handle the situation, but over-reacted by walking out on her.
There are also these other inner demons that flood my mind from time to time, often late at night or first thing in the morning. They say things like,
“She has clearly gone cold on me (Coco). That last date in which we made out I was not very masculine. I mean, we did finally kiss, but on the whole it was all rather too friendly for my liking and I fear that she did not feel me to be a “sexual threat”. Okay, she did run up and kiss me when I left, but on the whole the evening reminded me of previous dates of old, from many years back, where I could not seem to take it to the bedroom there and then have sex with the girl. It was our fourth date, so it really should have been possible. The mood, after all, was right: dinner at her place, plenty of wine and she was wearing a revealing dress. It was just the two of us and her flat mate was out…
…but that was nearly three weeks ago! She has been elusive since. Is she slowly friend-zoning me?! Is she just keeping me at arms-length, because she sees me as a long-term boyfriend prospect? Is she going off me? None of these ideas are very pleasant.”
As for Cafe Nero Hottie, she seems to be stringing me along somewhat. Last week she suggested meeting in the evening, having texted the same day, but I had to re-schedule because I had a prior engagement. She then re-scheduled the re-scheduled date, because she said she was “tired”. She was just watching Netflix at home as far as I could tell. In spite of the fact the second date had got much more physical (but not sex) the third date is starting to look like a distant speck on the horizon.
That emotional pain is there in this place as I write and talk. Maybe it is the ghost of all those past failures, the past “near misses”, so many of them from so many years ago. It feels like they are haunting me – or perhaps possessing me! These demons or goblins always seem to want to take a firm grip just at the wrong moments.
It leaves me with a number of questions:
Is it some inner game issue for which I need help? Is it a simple lack of skill in the area of the bedroom? Or rather, since I have had sex with quite a few girls in the last 5 years, such that the first possibility is less likely, is it in fact lack of relationship skills? Skills that are perhaps more subtle and more elusive than the ones I learned during my years of dating and daytime approach. Perhaps these skills, once acquired, can help me address the ghosts of the past. What are these skills? And can they be learned too?
It seems as if my dating journey is far from over!
Sunday 12 January 2020
I have been reading a couple of books over Christmas, the first is, “What Women Want When They Test Men?” by Bruce Bryans and the second is “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” I have been reflecting on these books in terms of my current prospects.
Coco is the first as she is a perfect “eight” in terms of relationship material. She has been strangely elusive ever since that date at her house before Christmas and I have been unable to get her out on another date. I asked her out for a coffee a few days after that date, by voicemail, but she was in another city for work. She seemed to want to meet up when she got back though. However even when she was back she seemed to be busy with another work event.
I made one final date request before Christmas which she ignored, only to come back with a long message after I sent her this classic recovery ping.
“Sorry for my silence. I have a lot going on and I’m not satisfied for several reasons.
I have a hard time at work and I feel overworked.
What time do you finish your classes today?”
But she was then unable to make it.
I rolled off, having pushed it perhaps a little too hard anyway and did not text her for over 3 weeks, until we were well into the holiday period. I sent her a message, “Were you a good girl for Santa this Xmas?;)” She quickly messaged me back with a long friendly text with smiley faces and photos. When I returned from the holidays a week later I sent her another coffee invite, which she ignored, only to say, “Sorry I can’t talk right now.”
I have shot my bolt with this one and there is nothing further to do or say. She may come back to me, she may not. Her pattern since we first met has been occasionally elusive, even when she is clearly interested. But to try and repeat invite after invite is not ideal and so this prospect seems cold.
In relation to the two books I am reading neither book truly helps, as they do not address what I think is something of a gap in the dating and relationships market, which is getting off first base and cementing a sexual relationship. Indeed, “Men are from Mars…” seems to be targeted exclusively at people in long-term relationships. The best advice I had had in relation to this girl is a general comment from a writer in the area, who said that the truth is that in this day and age a lot of people do not have much focus and too many tempting options in life. They flit about from option to option, prevaricating and waiting to see whether some more attractive opportunity pops up and they have so many other general distractions. They find any sort of “follow-through” difficult.
My thinking runs along these lines, I don’t understand. We got on so well. I was not overly fixated on her, just enjoyed her company and would like to have seen more of her. I escalated on the date at her house and we kissed and she seemed affection and ready to be intimate. But then it all seems to have evaporated in a puff of smoke! This makes one want to take some sort of action, such as leaving a long text or voice message – No! Resist! The right course of action here is to leave it, surely. Get back out there. Sometimes rather than trying to fix a situation you just have to let it go. It is nevertheless hard to take, because I think I have reached the stage of feeling that I have invested a lot of time and energy and am now very ready indeed for a relationship and yet girl after girl seems to evaporate in the same way over the last year or so.
Cafe Nero Hottie
Last night I finally had a third date with Cafe Nero Hottie. I went round to her tiny apartment, a few minutes walk from my own, and we laid down together on her bed and watched a movie. It was called, “Unfaithful”. She clearly identified with the main character and told me that she too had often been unfaithful with boyfriends and recounted the time a regular boyfriend had discovered the existence of another liaison and how dramatic it all was.
Anyway, it all looked perfect, right? A Saturday night on her bed watching movies with gin & tonics…
Well, I put my arm round her, fooled about, touching her boobs and playing with her hair and then for a while we held hands. She even suggested that I come around once a week to visit her. After the movie she got up and I moved over to her and tried to kiss her but she suddenly cried out, “No! No sex! If we have sex I won’t see you again.” Or something like this. That was as far as it got and after that, although we watched a couple of tv shows together, the mood was changed. I had been brooding during the movie, feeling that here was yet another opportunity to escalate sexually and cement the start of a relationship on a third date. But I had not been in a great place mentally on account of the disappointments of Coco and Bulldog Girl (read on). I actually felt it was quite a chore to get sexual and that I was somewhat powerless to do so.
So after the high expectations it was a bit of a downer. I felt I should have left immediately after she had said, “No sex!” I only left after a couple of tv shows, by which point I had decided to ask her what she meant by her remark. I said, “When you said no sex because otherwise I won’t see you again did you really mean it?” She replied, “Don’t overthink it – you think too much.” As I was putting on my boots I resisted, “It’s a simple question.” She said, “Yes”, but I did wonder. After all, girls are terrified of hurting a guy’s feelings so it might just have been a simple “No” and I was uncalibrated in my kiss attempt. It felt stupid to ask and afterwards I regretted not leaving earlier. I felt even more powerless and inadequate in that moment, in the face of a very attractive thirty-year old girl, confident too, with me a fifty-two year old dude.
And yet it was not the age gap that was the problem. (She had just got back from Spain where she was being looked after by a sixty three year old sugar daddy.) It was something else, some other sort of doubt or insecurity that I was struggling with…
Now Bulldog girl looks clearly to be in more of a relationship than I first thought. Since the November entry in my diary I have got to know her life situation better as the result of sharing an office. Indeed, I have met the father of her daughter who visited a couple of times. He seemed strangely in the shadows on both occasions. Perhaps this is because I can be quite a social and gregarious chap in company other guys I think are sometimes threatened. (So a work colleague told me.)
But it does seem a somewhat shadowy relationship she has with him. She has a daughter by him aged 4, and it goes seems as if he is living in the house. She had told me she did not want him back but since he owns half she had little choice and it is obvious from the photos she sent me over the Christmas period that she is putting on face for the world and it is quite likely that (as she has confided to me during the early days when we were first dating) not all of her family know about the situation.
I suspect that she may even be “giving it another go.” Whatever the situation it is another, annoying, evaporating act, except here we really did hit it off and it is that much more awkward now that we share an office. I am not sure, for all the great business reason there are, it was right to move into her office. My staff are extremely happy with the new office and it has even helped me deal with employment issues from working overseas, because Bulldog Girl has Kindly put my staff on her payroll. But was this too big a price to pay?
She has evaded all my attempts to meet up with her informally over a drink during the Christmas period. It may be that, as a thirty two year old girl with a young daughter, she is in a difficult position. She may have meant what she said when she told me that she is disappointed with her current choice of partner. She had given me the impression that they were breaking up, or estranged. But it may be that the simple fact is she is “just not that into me”.
To get back to those books…
It is interesting that I do not seem to be able to find that many, mainstream books that deal with the issue of the ‘first base’ phase in dating. Or even the second phase, after you have been on a few dates and got things into the bedroom. I have clearly been successful in meeting and dating and even getting a certain level of intimacy with genuinely attractive girls, in the bedroom, but difficult converting things thereafter. I have been unable to cement them into something longer-term. I do not think I am alone in struggling with this phase.
Saturday 18 January 2020
After a rather difficult period with the girls on my radar and feeling especially knocked-back by the Cafe Nero Hottie, I decided to go out into the streets this week. I made a few approaches over 3 of 4 walks I decided to take over lunchtimes but they were all pretty rubbish and there were not that many girls about. Actually not all – one was quite exceptional in its freshness and spontaneity. She was reading a book in a Cafe Nero and she was very elegantly dressed and I saw her through the window as I was walking past. I hesitated because a guy was sat near her that could have made the interaction clunky and uncomfortable for her. Fortunately she was still there when I go back from a short walk around the shopping parade close by and now the guy was gone.
Observation is a great way to open up a conversation, as I have often mentioned, and this time it opened up a rich vein of comedy and teasing. I told her that she matched the upholstery on the sofa she was so elegantly draped over, “I wonder, in fact, if you select items from your wardrobe each morning to match the soft furnishings of the various coffee shops dotted about Warsaw. Do you often read a book over lunch-times?”
This teasing went on for some time and she seemed very keen to chat and I sat down after a while, opposite her, and she leaned forward and gave me all sorts of good signals. I made sure to take an interest and ask her about her life. After twenty minutes I asked for her number and left. I liked this girl and especially liked the fact that she was reading, “The Witcher”(written by a Polish author, in fact) and that she was an acupuncturist who was genuinely passionate about her job. She also liked the outdoors and horse-riding and had been horse-riding instructor – this last-part did it for me, somehow!
The texting went very well and I asked her for a date quite quickly. We are meeting this coming Friday.
Well, there is little to say about Coco, the trail having gone cold. It’s one of those ones where I do not really know why. She seemed very into it over our 4 or 5 dates. I decided to write a final text, as much to keep it clean and draw a line under it. She replied, but not to much affect, so this girl has gone the way of the Dodo unfortunately. Extinct.
Hot Coffee Shop Girl
I also decided to do the same with Hot Coffee Shop Girl, by which I mean draw a line under it. I do not like that the date ended on a downer and part of this journey is about having the self-respect to do the right thing, even when you know there is nothing to be gained. do not want a relationship with her, but I did enjoy her company and it seemed churlish to just drop it. So I am going to leave a voice mail message: “Hey Sweetie, hope you’re surviving the Russian weather; I’ve enjoyed your company and would like to stay in touch -I definitely want to take up the offer of Polish lessons (she had suggested meeting once a week). Listen, let’s stay in touch and meet for a friendly coffee sometime soon.”
I have thought carefully and decided that I want to be a guy who leaves girls and meetings with people generally better than I find them and so this is why I am going to write this text. Not in order to try and get to have sex with her a second time. Quite frankly on those lonely, wintry Warsaw weekends, it would be nice to hang out and have a girl who lives locally to watch movies with.